Interesting day so far.
Noah and the Whale -
Peaceful, The World Lays Me DownOh, well it's hard to look deep into your soul.
Not everything you'll find will be perfect gold.
There are ghosts and demons that hide in the dark.
Oh, they wait til I find love and then they laughit started off unusually - with a good dream ("good" isnt interchangeable with "sex" here). the only one in recent memory. i suppose really, i dont remember the dream, only the feeling from a certain part - sweet, sweet clarity / renewal / real contentment / purpose / the melting away of everything nonessential. it'll stick with me - i'll wear it like a necklace under my shirt. hidden from view, but meaningful to those who notice it.
thoughts seemed to impair an early rise. dad told me we were heading north - our family unit. historically a severe desire to be separate from them would have kept me in bed, but today only my ceaseless thoughts kept me sedated. it was clear upon waking that i needed to be alone to think - but this day with the family could be an opportunity, which i tend to turn down. so, firmly strapped into my headphones, we headed to the Franklin Park Conservatory.
regardless of where we were at any one point in time for the first few hours of driving and shuffling around exhibits - i was entirely somewhere else. looking around inside mostly, asking questions. questions from several places, some originating from myself - something new. it's tough, try to figure out who i am - why i am. and then the same for the folks nearest to me. i had figured it was the absence of a gift of insight, why i always seemed shocked to find out how people are feeling inside when their insides boil over. maybe though, you just have to find the right questions to ask.
of all the questions this morning, most led to more questions, more worry. the sorts of worry that don't respond to a glassy smile. or maybe none of it does if you really soak it in. one question did seem to find an answer - one having to do with my tier III class. what's the first thing that i notice anywhere i go (and then colors the rest of my decisions) ? answer : the lighting, the space.
i suppose that seems rudimentary enough, but to me, it was greatly relieving. the difference between assuming something about yourself and genuinely knowing it. Does it take an "aha!" moment to see even very simple things? If so, what prompts them. Why are some people tuned into themselves, and others live their whole lives not knowing a thing? i guess they just dont want to know, or arent curious, or don't realize they arent curious. this should be something very basic to grasp - how do you look at the world? what's the lowest chunk of your totem pole, what supports the higher up things. and are all those things actual parts of you? or parts of others wedged in between.
squadrons of questions and all the time to pose them. and my family. today was a good day - i can be the gel that keeps things flowing smoothly, until problems out of my reach come to a head. I told dad last night, we've been clumped here together in the marhoover bucket - 4 acquaintances in the same building. and i dont really know anything about any of them. but it seems like, if we've got these people here, we should utilize them. that, with him carrying the pretentious title of father, how am i supposed to gain anything from his experience if we dont speak. If you can believe that some things happen for a reason, then all of them must - and that can be comforting. It can also set a fire under your feet.
questions like these need formulating and asking inside. which only works alone.
Alone and I havent never gotten along, not even when our mothers forced us to play together as youngsters. he always brought up things i didnt have the heart to tackle. oddly enough - Love seems to do the same.
there is something at the core of my hurt, something that's haunted me. It needs discussing with my brother. Today i gave it recognition - that it's held me back for way too long. One other thing came to mind that isn't nearly so dubious, but would be much better out in the open. That will help - having a laundry list of things that need addressing. a list of things i'd like to do / have / be. a little structure would be good for me. then getting to where I've cleared up old things, and can deal with things as they come. That seems like a good goal.
I'm good at assimilating knowledge - application is the key however. I'll have to be cognizant of the effort for some time. changes are gradual. i'm pretty sure i'll need to be alone for an awful lot of it. but, it seems, I dont have to be the bully i made myself feel like - dredging up things i didnt want to deal with. Just by accepting those things as challenges instead of hiding. That's growing up. The main thing is - i want to.
And you have to do it alone. which doesnt have to be a bummer, i can find out who i am. Which, as a byproduct, will let me see who others are (that's the hope). All of this seems like extreme "duh's". hearing and seeing and repeating it vs. letting it in to take root and, over time, grow . big difference.
i guess i've got a moment where the first of these spurts of growth happened. perhaps. a spot where i got past indecision and made it to purpose (and abruptly). that's a change.
I'm writing this for me. something solid to look at and think - "there. you took a step, now take the next one". An object in motion continues in motion and all that: Inertia.
Being honest, i'm keenly aware of who else will read this too - to that end, know that your grey button-up arms around me help tremendously, both with the cold outside and in. The sort of help that's ever-present, but not invasive. comforting. i'm very aware of those sparkles in your eyes - burned into me. do things like that lose their luster? with us, i get this overwhelming feeling of "not quite yet." Like serving a fine soufflé to the most discriminating critics before it's had time to properly set up - thus tumbling inwards. Perhaps an Act One followed by an intermission before the juicy stuff happens? Perhaps more like a car on that highway you talked about. suppose it wasnt full of fuel when ap person decided to depart, so just a little ways down the road, they get stuck refuling. when they finish, they'll have to decide whether or not to continue down the road, or go another direction. Maybe I'm full of shit. But i digress, I'm going to figure out who exactly those eyes of yours are looking at.
i'm thinking other things.. but those are for writing elsewhere.
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after the "window of inquiry" experience, i felt a little dazzled. Once I was dazzled by the unique way of sharing an idea, moment, or feeling that photos afford. but with other things going on around me, shut off that part of my brain. with the help of another love, i remembered what i was missing. But i havent had any drive. Then, today i felt something almost foreign - that ache to have my camera around my neck. to have it with me all the time instead of putting it in a little box of time. i dont make photos, they have to find me, and plenty of times, they've caught me unprepared. with only my eyes to see once what i wished i could record. and so i was accepting of these moments as i shuffled around columbus - i did not actively look for them. that was my idea, see what things present themself. it's seeing someone in fragments you've collected and carry around with you. these are little components of something much bigger.
David Byrne -
Arboretum tree drawings. subject of this one: appeal of the male. I know i've got one of the three-word qualities. I'd like to think I have the other as well.
started with a chair
I had to close my eyes to fully appreciate this one. The sound and the spray and the humidity. But it was extremely worth whatever strangeness i appeared as, blocking the trail and listening. I was back there, back then for a moment - gave me chills, the kind that seem to ripple outside of yourself - there isnt enough in you to contain them. Minds are incredible things - the accuracy with which some things are preserved, the haziness of others. In this case, i was very aware when the memory was being formed. the heightened senses, carving every detail out with precision. Things with such obvious importance.
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then, sitting at home (in the bathroom for those to whom details matter - it does show i was thinking of other things) this evening. all at once, i realized exactly what to do to finish out my color photo class - something that's eluded me since i was given the assignment last spring. it shouldnt be too hard to get together either. we'll see
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time to start reading through all my Phillip K Dick novels i picked up @ B&N today, I've got enough to read for some time, it's applicable to my schooling, I already enjoy sci-fi greatly, and I love his writing style. exciting.
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dad told me "i want you to know I am doing my best, that's all i can offer"
I beamed, and thanked him.
mom came to tell me that she had fun today. her saying "fun" is like speaking in russian or something, but it didnt feel forced.
luke did melt down a bit because he wasnt allowed to purchase an unauthorized biography of Hugh Laurie (he is a fanboy it seems), but i know watching House with him was beneficial. he commented on "no new episodes to watch tonight." that was a smiley thing, we can connect on something (even though i have to explain the bits that are over his head when he asks why i'm laughing - but i consider it a plus)
when things got a bit tense, i felt proud of myself for getting everyone together and migrating them to somewhere without bad vibes. we can have a family instead of a tug-of-war, i'm convinced of it.
last night, today - good starts.
